im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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