the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
