it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize