Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
