the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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