You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
