When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize