rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
