You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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