she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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