so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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