No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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