So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize