It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
