i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
