I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
