The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
