Just took my morning after pill in the library
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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