I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
