It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
