It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
