The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
