so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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