for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
