I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
