Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
3 2 1 whiskey
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
