I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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