party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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