That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
