I molested 6 butterflies tonight
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
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