Yo dont text me then not text me
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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