You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
