I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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