i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
