Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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