My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize