70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
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