dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
