He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
