You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
i think im in europe. pls send help
We need to feng shui this bitch.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
