i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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