sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
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