There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
