Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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