Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
True strength comes from lack of pants
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
