if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
fuck your aforementioned shoe
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
