i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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