As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
