I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
