Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
