Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
