So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
