so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
This gyro tastes like lonliness
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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