Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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