how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
You're breaking my sexual little heart
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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