Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
