Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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