we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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