we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
