can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
