so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
