Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
