My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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