I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
