He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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